Around Here Normal is Just a Setting on the Dryer.

After spending over a decade in law enforcement, victim services and social work, we circled the wagons and brought our kids home from public school. Now, we are on year five. After the first years, we learned to lay to rest all of those good intentions of facilitating unrealistic goals of growth, having tri-lingual kids, and raising prodigal children. We now focus on strong vitals and an education that stands just above 3rd world countries.

Frankly, our boys live like college freshman – stay up late, sleep late and cram like it’s their job. Yes, we have the same 24 hour day as the rest of you, but the mental exhaustion of homeschooling puts that productivity at around 4 hours a day. By the time I do my own jobs, home school and some typical chores, I am mentally done. So, I add wine to the equation and gain a few more hours of productivity.

What do I do with this 2nd wind, you might ask? Mostly, I curl up with a book and ignore all types of responsibilities for a couple more hours. What are my boys doing during this sacred time? They are enjoying endless amounts of technology – YouTube, Xbox, Ipads, TV, etc. Why? Because it keeps them quiet. Because it keeps their vitals strong. Because it protects my sanity.

My boys often ask if we are normal and I say, “Yes!” with resounding confidence. I explain to them that they belong to an internationally, renowned private home school program, I somehow manage to work enough to contribute to my part of the household bills and 80% of our food budget goes to home-cooked food! Did I mention the strong vitals?? We are good, I say!

What’s ‘normal’ anyway. Around Here Normal is Just a Setting on the Dryer.

Worn Slap Out!

Well, our clan has just completed our annual vacation and so we are absolutely worn slap out. All of us….however, the energy exerted on these annual vacations is not equally divvied up and therefore, the whining shouldn’t be either. Since my bunch doesn’t care what I have to say, I am putting it out there to you and hoping for an Amen, Sister!

Let’s talk about preparing for the family vacation with kids. We all decide on where to go. All have opinions and suggestions.  That is where the ‘all’ ends. Period.

Then while kids are bouncing off the walls in excitement, annoyingly asking “how many more days?” and endlessly pouring over which toys to take; momma plans, budgets, cleans, packs, stresses and drinks. Fast-forward to arriving at your destination or sooner if you are part of my clan, the ‘others’ begin to ask if I remembered to pack……whatever. I reckon they should have thought of that before leaving. My job is to keep all vitals strong and basic hygiene needs met.

Now, let’s go ahead and talk about coming home. We will clearly divide the duties to ensure you get the appropriate picture.

Dad drives home. Dad helps unload car. Dad naps.

Kids play or otherwise vanish into thin air.

Mom begins unpacking. Mom sorts the laundry. Mom starts the laundry. Mom puts up the luggage. Mom inventories fridge and pantry. Mom runs to the grocery store. Mom cooks dinner. Mom goes through the million receipts, invoices and charge accounts. Mom begins drinking, even though she can’t afford to. Mom gets everything ready for the next day. Mom catches up on her work emails. Mom takes a quick shower and falls into bed. Mom listens to the ‘others’ talk about how tired they are. Mom tries to remember that vacations are necessary and it was fun.

Mommas need a vacation after the vacation. Can I get an Amen, Sister?!

DST…Aren’t You Precious?

I was so unbalanced today from the POINTLESS Daylight Savings time that I rolled out of bed at 5:30am…or 6:30am, whatever, It’s all the same before noon. It was still dark out, coffee wasn’t made and the handful of hours of sleep that I had was already gone. Yes, the snow was pretty…when the Sun finally showed it to me at a more decent hour. I spent the day tired when I wasn’t supposed to be tired…hungry, when I wasn’t supposed to be hungry and pretty much disembodied through and through.

I wanted to curse the SavingsTimes Gods straight to hell. So I decided to blog….then I read Early Bird Gets the Worm… and it all still stands. All.Of.It. And it will still be BS next year…and the year after.

Come on Trump…forget education, travel, walls and healthcare and focus on a real, tangible issue that can be resolved, NOW!!!!! I promise that it will land you in a history book and probably be a huge Public Relations coup!!

While you are at it, ban pineapples on pizza, insist that toilet paper rolls from the top and toothpaste is squeezed from the bottom. These will definitely “Make America Great Again.”

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Thoughts from a Deranged Homeschooling Mom!

Some say that February is the hardest teaching month of the year. As a homeschooling mom,  I tend to agree. All the built-in breaks of the holidays are over, with no end in sight. As a homeschooling mom, we hope to recoop lost time from the holidays and this battles with the kids being overwhelmed with the interminable task of school. All together, this should sum up my thoughts for this month:

Original Plan:

  1. double digit multiplication
  2. geography of the Middle East & Central Europe
  3. diagramming Object Complement Nouns and Adjectives
  4. Creative Writing
  5. WWII leaders
  6. Newton’s Law
  7. Latin & Spanish Memory Work
  8. Read, Spelling, practice guitar, Cub Scout knots and typing

Revised Plan:

  1. What do you mean help? It’s addition!
  2. What country do we live in?
  3. Seriously, please for the love of baby Jesus, tell me that you know what a noun is!
  4. Stop asking me so many questions. Its just writing. Aim for subject-verb agreement!
  5. Just remember Hitler.
  6. What don’t you understand?? Your little brother goes until I stop him!!
  7. Our language is English.
  8. No, I don’t care if you read an Xbox magazine. Guitar is not necessary right now. How should I know how to tie those knots? I will just type it for you.

There is always next month…………………

 

 

If Everything Is Coming Your Way, Then You Are In The Wrong Lane!

 

It’s that time, once again, which we all sit down with pen and paper to set forth unrealistic goals for the coming year. With the best of intentions, we proclaim that we will become the person that we have very little chance at actually becoming. We share our goals within our circle, so that when we fail, others can celebrate in our misery. Perhaps we do all of this so that we are guilt-free for the debauchery we cause our bodies and souls on this very night? If we plan to diet, we embrace gluttony. If we plan to eat healthy and exercise, we become one with the toxins that enter our system in one evening. If budgets are on our horizon, we spend money like its 1999. Maybe you plan to quit smoking, so tonight you will go through a carton. We won’t even venture into the abyss, if your goal is to drink less.

Regardless of which unrealistic promise that you are making to yourself this evening, let’s talk about reality. Life isn’t meant to be easy. If in 2017, you find that everything is going your way, you are very sure to be in the wrong lane. The other shoe will drop. Your New Year’s Resolution should be aligned with the stars, tides, Black Magic and Murphy’s Law. Cause it ain’t gonna be easy. Don’t set yourself up with concrete ‘rules’ for 2017. Celebrate tonight, without guilt. You deserve it for surviving 2016.

Instead of making promises, pick one word and adhere to it for all 12 months. What word? That is up to you, but make sure that Regardless follows it. Make your WORD + Regardless, be your new mantra. Your WORD will serve your personal, family, work, friends, spiritual needs, financial needs and health. Your WORD needs to be all-encompassing. There are several online areas to pursue your WORD.

For example, instead of diet, choose MODERATION and do it regardless if there are 15 Cookie Exchange Parties in January or six weddings in June. Eat healthy before you go and limit yourself to the sweets/alcohol. Instead of exercise, choose CONSISTENCY. Be consistent in your active life – join an adult league, play more WipeOut on the Kinect/Wii, play a game with your kids or do some crunches before bed, if nothing else. Instead of saying that you will volunteer more, choose SERVE. Make it a point to something for someone else every week or month or quarter. If you are seeking less stress in 2017, choose SIMPLICITY. Practice saying no, at least once a month. Want to spend more time with those you love? Choose BALANCE. See where I’m going with this?

I started choosing WORDS two years ago, and it is total life-changing. Whatever WORD you choose, it should serve in every single area of your life. In 2015, I chose Consistency. In 2016, I chose Balance. In 2017, I choose PROGRESS.

This blog is about survival and I would be remiss if I didn’t share this particular means! What’s your WORD for 2017?

 

Thoughts of this Deranged Mom at Christmas!

My thoughts for the Christmas season:

  1. To celebrate my hubby’s payday, we bought the good trash bags and a box of wine. I wish I had the money to buy wrapping paper to wrap them.
  2. Good gingerbread houses are one of the things required by Facebook to remain in the good parenting network.
  3. Good gingerbread houses with two boys are a myth.
  4. Why do my boys think they know how to hang Christmas ornaments?
  5. Is it appropriate to ask for Christmas money to pay for wine and cigarettes?
  6. Why is good wine so expensive?
  7. Why is my 8 year old fascinated with cardboard boxes and duct tape?
  8. I’m totally wrapping these vitamins for Christmas presents!
  9. Why am I wrapping presents, when they will just tear them a part?
  10. Why did I even buy this?
  11. Should I re-wrap this gift with the appropriate size of wrapping paper? Or just slap a bow there?
  12. Should I have bought the batteries to this?
  13. Why didn’t I ever realize the amount of energy that went into making Christmas memories?
  14. I really should have bought more wine.

A Burr In My Saddle!

So there are lots and lots….and lots of things that piss me off. The biggest one centers around being Middle-Class. So, in order to allow me to vent…in depth….I have decided to focus a series of blog posts on “Middle-Class Misconceptions” and what I think about those that believe them.

First…..and perhaps the biggest misconception that my class deals with is:

We work, therefore we have money.

In an effort to rid the world of this biggest type of stupid, all Middle-Class people should be given a bag-limit of throat punches.  Say, an introductory rate of 25 throat punches…per month, with roll-over throat punches. However, if you do not use up your tags…then you subject yourself to be throat punched by another member of our club, which will not count against them.

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Membership is free. Just produced your debt to income ratio and a picture of your empty fridge to be accepted.

That is all.