Crazier Than A Sh*t House Rat (Part 4)

Well here we are coming to our end of surviving pregnancy series. We have offered two peaceful lessons to help you and those around you, survive this condition and then an alternative, more aggressive lesson when the first two fail you. Remember that all wars have causalities. It’s perfectly natural.

Now, We Go Home.

Most difficult pregnancies end in some type of bed rest. If you followed Lesson #3 well, then you will be overwhelmed¬†by your co-workers farewells and meaningless offerings to call them if needed. If you have not been ordered to bed rest by your doctor, then your employer will no doubt get creative and figure out a way to send you home until you are finished with this demonic stage. No worries about firing you at the moment, as that is all kinds of a lawsuit, since your medical condition has prevented you from acting normal and productive. ūüôā

Anyhoo, now that you finally got your hard-earned peace, what will you do? Making hand prints in your toxemic legs can only entertain you for so long. You could always do nothing, but then this would just lead to cabin fever and more violence. You should at least have a plan, even if it is just a plan.

1. Make lists. You should make several lists of things that you will accomplish during this last phase of your condition. Even though you may not complete one thing, you will feel so much better taking this gigantic first step. Be sure to make a separate list for your honey to complete and emphasize with bold pens, highlighters and stickers just how important the items are to the livelihood of your little family. Now, you are not making this list with the assumption that the items will be completed. Let’s get real, here. You are simply putting something in black & white so that you can continually bring it¬†up when you are feeling worse than him or otherwise hating on him for getting you into this mess.

2. Join Pinterest. This will farther your hate of the world in general and its important to continually feed your misery during this time. You will be thoroughly¬†exposed to people that are more organized than you, more creative than you and probably prettier than you. After hours and days on end of ‘pinning’ things that you will never do, you will come to the conclusion that you are a failure. However, keep pinning, it seems to be the American way!

3. Milk It. You are probably still puking several times a day, you aren’t sleeping well at all, your anxiety over the unfinished to-do list is making you cranky and you are fat. If you don’t want to reach two feet for a pen to write your lists, you should yell at whomever is within range and tell them to bring it to you, especially if its your husband. This will give him a taste of how your life will be for the next 10 years or so. Ask for certain dinner plans and then feel free to change them periodically. This will also give your husband a taste of how your life will be for the next 10 years or so. If you don’t want to be alone at 2am when you get up to pee for the 10th time that night, then feel free to wake your husband up and ask him to watch tv with you or play a game. Better yet, engage him in a very, meaningful conversation about your feelings…or the weather….or whats on tv. Again, this will give him a taste of how your life will be for the next 10 years or so.

Don’t worry, the proverbial ‘they’ swear that you forget all of this when you hold your baby in your arms for the first time! Maybe everyone else will too! lol

So, tell me. What was your favorite lesson?

 

Crazier Than A Sh*t House Rat (Part III)

As we delve into another valuable lesson of pregnancy survival, let us recap.

Lesson #1: Go Deaf

Lesson #2: Go Dumb

Lesson #3: Go Ballistic

Finally, we get to my favorite lesson; one derived when the first two failed for me.

You know that ‘list’ you have of all of the idiots that need tagged? Or that a$$hole that you work with that you have been meaning to have a prayer meeting with? That crappy piece of office equipment that needs to filleted on the sidewalk at high noon? Or even that family member that needs to find a different reunion? ¬†That’s right, ladies. It’s time to start cracking on that bucket list of items, because you have a built-in excuse to act anyway that you want. When the dust settles and after you have exorcised that little miracle you can apologize!….or act like you don’t remember anything.

lemons

Because pregnancies can offer few opportunities to laugh, you should take some time to watch Office Space for inspiration. If you do this right the first time, it should serve you well through all future pregnancies. The picture below is this poor fella that just keeps getting shafted over and over again at work. He consistently portrays his red stapler as his last straw before he goes postal.

Red Stapler

And I said, I don’t care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I’m, I’m quitting, I’m going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they’ve moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it’s not okay because if they take my stapler then I’ll set the building on fire…

Another scene in this movie that will serve you and your new mental state is when the office coworkers get fed up with the copier machine and take it outside and bash it to smithereens. Come on…we have all wanted to do this and there is no better time to start on that never-do bucket list then when you are pregnant. People all ready think you are crazy and you pretty much hate all people.

1. Don’t Go Dumb! Let ‘er rip! When some idiot decides to say something you don’t want to hear, describe to them in detail just how dumb they are and include every single example in your memory.

2. Throw something. When at work, keep some blunt objects on your desk so that they are handy to smash against the nearest flat surface. This works especially well when you keep your door closed and your peers just hear the occasional BANG! After a particularly good fit behind closed doors, you should come out of your office as if nothing happened and wear a confused look when someone mentions the loud noises, cussing, etc.

3. Embrace Crazy. Walk around muttering to yourself and occasionally spit in public.

If some of these seem extreme to you and you can’t bring yourself to embrace this opportunity to its fullest, you could just have multiple instances where you just stop and stare into space while you day dream of doing them. As long as people think you are crazy and leave you alone, you are achieving the overall objective.

 

Crazier Than A Sh*t House Rat (Part II)

Welcome back to our journey through pregnancy. I hope that I have aptly named this series of posts and did so to reiterate that pregnancy is a medical condition that makes you crazy …. and everyone around you crazy.

We have talked about my first piece of advice: Go Deaf. Remember that #1) it’s not their fault for crawling up in your business with useless opinions and #2) nothing works. OK. Moving on.

Next, Go Dumb.

When I was pregnant, a good friend of mine actually told me that she would have more dignity than me whenever she got pregnant. ¬†Another asked me why I was always in a bad mood. My favorite: my brother sang the Oompa Loompa Song EVERY¬†time he saw me walking between buildings at work. For. The. Whole. Nine. Months. (Reference last post about FORMER friends.)¬†What really gets my goat are the people that THINK their pregnancy was hard because they threw up some, had weird cravings and a stomach ache for a few weeks and so the rest of us should just suck it up. I’m sure those people can find a nice blog that isn’t mine.

Apparently, when you wake up puking, go to work puking, pull over five times within 8 miles EVERY day to puke, and go to bed puking, you should wear a smile about the natural beauty and miracle of being pregnant. When you look like a toxemic oompa loompa and your doctor keeps yelling at you for your sugar intake because of your some fancy g-word diabetes, you should just smile and marvel at your new circus body. Add all of that useless advice that pours in from all four corners of the world to all of these body changes and I can’t imagine why I was in such a bad mood?

Maybe its all about perspective. I could easily say that my¬†glistening skin wasn’t from endless puking, my¬†scary appearance¬†wasn’t from drastic body temperatures changing with the wind and my distemper wasn’t because I was¬†raging against Eve and all of her descendants for continually taking my body to near death just to prove a point. ¬†I could instead say that all of this and more derives from the simple knowledge of the little miracle (trying to kill me) inside and I could bask in that¬†healthy ‘glow’ that everyone says comes with pregnancy.

However, my lesson centers around not talking at all.

Remember, if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. I realize that this is like trying to get fly sh– off a pinhead with boxing gloves on, but you will find that your ‘looks’ are perfected to say all that needs to be said. I could easily clear an entire room with one look (and that room was always full of armed men.)

Don’t worry. I couldn’t follow either of these pieces of advice either, so stay tuned to my¬†next post – Go Ballistic. ūüôā

Crazier Than A Sh*t House Rat!

Welcome back to the Country Girl’s Survival Guide to Pregnancy. We discussed your new BFF – the toilet – in our last post, so this post will expand on¬†your former BFFs. You may not realize that they are ‘former’ but prepare yourself; all wars have casualties. Make no mistake – the next nine months is a declaration of war between your body and your soul.

I was told once that being pregnant was like being on crack, you don’t realize how bad you were until you are ‘clean.’ The best advice is to quarantine yourself away from all family, friends and even enemies until you are safe. If this is not possible, try these tips:

Go deaf, go dumb, go ballistic and then go home.

1. Go deaf.

Everyone that you have ever met, whether you liked them or not, has free advice that they will spontaneously combust if they do not impart this knowledge to you. It’s really not their fault, but the result of vengeful generations afflicting each other with needless advice since the beginning of time. In essence, they are just paying it forward. There is not one iota of truth to what they are saying, regardless of whether or not you believe it or even want to try it. Pregnancy is a medical condition that doctors may have a grasp on, but not even Buddha can explain the psychological affects that are part and parcel. Everyone has an opinion on how to make it better. As I mentioned in the previous post, nothing works. You are destined to feel a 24 hour a day hangover for the next nine months. Lemons, crackers, ginger, rest, exercise….IT DOESN’T WORK. The end.

 

Hotter Than A Two Dollar Pistol

Well damn. You found yourself pregnant and you think that all will be ok. Your pregnancy may be filled with happiness, glowing skin, healthy cravings and a perfect view of the world. You may love your husband for putting you in this position. If this is true, then we can’t be friends and you need to find another blog.¬†This blog is about surviving and some pregnancies rival The Crucible. For instance, mine did.

Here are some things that I learned:

1. Food. Forget it. It will never taste the same and is just the messenger to your time with the toilet. Gross? Yes, but reality.

2. Quality Time. Forget it. In fact, just have your husband order some fancy food and then flush it directly down the toilet. There is no sense in involving the middle man – you. Quality time is now your time with the toilet.

3. Dental hygiene. Forget it. Your twice daily commitment to dental hygiene is now guaranteed time with the toilet.

4. Friends. Forget them. Your best friend now is the toilet.

5. ¬†Hope. Forget it. You will feel so much freer if you just throw in the towel on all hopes of things getting better. Your only hope now is that your daily routine will one day involve less than 10 trips to the toilet….or the side of the road….