When Did Burn Become A Good Word?

This week, I somehow caved to a desperate need to workout. A need that I have successfully drowned out in the last year, with beer if truth be known. It’s not like I was completely unproductive this last year…I mean, I posted workouts to my Pinterest page. Small steps are still steps.

Anyhoo, in a moment of weakness, I agreed to try the C25K Program with some friends. Considering the first step of this program is to get off the couch (C), I figured it had a good feel for my current status. The 2nd step, 2 – ‘to’…was a little more difficult and they lost me before getting to the last step – 5K. I had only researched the title and read the reviews, so I had no idea that my 1st day would involve two miles. Isn’t that a little aggressive? Shouldn’t we start at say….quarter mile, and work our way up? I’m supposed to do this three times a week? There was so much withholding of information on this program, I feel like I should contact the Better Business Bureau and pursue allegations of false advertising. They should lead with “Embrace the Suck,” so that everything after is easier to bear. In fact, euthanasia should be at least in the fine print. Just saying.

Regardless of what information was withheld or points that they chose to highlight, no where in their program could I find the most important piece of advice. Vital, I would call it.  A VITAL piece of information would have been to complete this program alone! My friends and I aren’t close enough for them to see those parts of me shake. My friends and I aren’t close enough for them to witness my facial expressions that I’m sure mirrors people who have died of fright and then been left at the bottom of the ocean…for a week. And who needs friends along, when you lose at least two of your sensory abilities in the first 10 minutes? I have nothing to say. I care nothing about what you need to say. I just need the pain to stop. I need my car. I need to be alone.

Want to add insult to injury? This handy little program comes with an app for your smartphone that you can change the voice to whatever motivates you. My friend chose the Drill Instructor – like I need someone ordering me to run. If I could have coordinated hand-eye movement, I would have thrown rocks at him. Not that I needed any voice motivating me to my own demise; my six-year-old occasionally ran back to my position to tell me that he couldn’t run with me because he wasn’t going to lose this race. Spawn.

After 30 grueling, torturous minutes we were done. Praise God Almighty!!! Why is it that you can’t be done near your car? The damn car was another five minutes away. Whatever. Just adding to the experience. After making it home, I just wanted a Gatorade. But I couldn’t open the bottle.

‘They’ say to keep moving the next day, so your legs won’t get stiff. “Get’ stiff? ‘Get????’

Explain to me why people do this to themselves?

Apparently, I have to do this again tomorrow.