Well my husband has decided to take his first vacation in over ten years, in which we will all be inside this house for two weeks. My house celebrated with bursting a pipe and flooding two rooms. Yeah, I’m excited too.
Now, I rise above certain things when I have just a weekend time frame. However, I feel that we need to devote some time to ground rules, if we plan to survive this in one piece. I realize that his idea of vacation is sleeping late, naps, and doing the honey. What he needs to realize is that his idea of vacation and mine are in two different hemispheres. And I reign freely over my domain. Any and all resistance will be considered futile.
Here are some things that I am working on:
- This is MY house. You just live here. Since I wake up before you, I have total control on whether you wake up.EVER.
- Vacation doesn’t mean vacation. It is just a change of scenery.
- You can nap when I nap. My best estimate has my next one scheduled in 2023.
- Become one with your Honey-Do list. Believe me when I say that it won’t do itself. Completion of this list could and will maybe go from honey-do to do-honey. Nothing in this world is free.
- Happy Hour is 3:30 pm – every day. Except on Mondays and Fridays. Mondays and Fridays are what I like to call Happy Days.
- No, we actually don’t outsource cooking, dishes, groceries, cleaning or laundry. Should I throat punch you now?
- Yes, the kids act like that every day. Yes, I yell at them like that every day. No, they don’t ever listen.
- DO NOT under any circumstances, turn the TV volume up louder and crane your neck to see around me when I’m vacuuming. (This will result in weaker vitals.)
- That doesn’t go there.
- Yes, I take a full 39 gallon bag of trash out daily, sometimes two. I understand that this defies any and all mathematical equations. It is what it is.
- Yes, that clock is still on last Fall’s Daylight Savings Time. 1) Why bother, when it will be the right time again soon. and 2) that is the clock we use to start our bedtime routine. Don’t touch it. Ever.
- Yes, the kids think that the candy machines at the grocery stores and all local restaurants are poisoned. It’s mostly part of the whole “They should never take candy from a stranger.” And kinda about why the hell would i pay 25 cents for a nasty piece of gum thing. So shut it.
- In fact, defer to silence. If you hear something our of their mouths that sounds ridiculous, check with me before you SAY.ONE.WORD.TO.THEM. Good parenting requires creative thinking.
- Yes, sometimes I do wear a tiara or our 6 yr old’s superman cape. I want to ensure that their future therapists have a hard time keeping a straight face.
And before you ask about our kids, let me first introduce them. Those adorable, clean boys you see every evening are worn-out impostors – simple shells of the kids they have been all day. Those rare pictures on Facebook lasted 10 seconds and then I made them pose for the picture 10 seconds after I drug them a part and bribed them with candy to pretend and reenact. Facebook should be called Frontbook.
First, our oldest is better known as “I didn’t do it.” He is never guilty, even when you witness his trespass with your very own eyes. He was framed. He is an hourly victim of misunderstanding, wrongful accusations and various conspiracies.
Our youngest answers to “He started it.” It’s never his fault. Ever. His solution to every obstacle in the day is crying…or yelling…or a combination of both. Yes, he always changes clothes that many times. I’m sure it’s a normal identity crisis that will pass….eventually. Yes, I sometimes cater to his voices by referring to them in 1st person.
I feel like effective parenting is on a sliding scale. Good parenting on the left and maintaining sanity on the right. I need you on-board with this.
If at the end of the two weeks, you have learned the following lessons AND everyone in this house still has strong vitals, then I will consider this time together a success.
- Why I have a headache all of the time?
- Why I’m tired all of the time?
- Why I drink wine?
- Why your day job is 10,000,000,000 times easier than mine?
- Why you should never ask me what I do every day?
A helpful guide for when you return to work:
Did I forget anything??