As Easy As Herding Cats

Each morning, my husband announces his intent to take a shower. Then, he takes his shower. In peace.

I kinda hate on him all day.

Each evening, I announce my intent to take a shower and in just 1.5 hours and 28 easy steps, I also take a shower. It looks like this:

  1. Start the conversation with my country boys that they too will bathe.
  2. Host our nightly battle of wills. Allot 20 minutes.
  3. Turn on water in hopes of spurring them along.
  4. Try again to explain to my 8 yr old that he truly doesn’t need to pack a bag of toys and the iPad to get through this.
  5. Help him carry his bag and iPad to bathroom.
  6. After 20-30 minutes, begin encouraging boys to turn off water, actually wash with soap and get out of their respective bathrooms.
  7. Begin screaming at them.
  8. Run them out of the bathrooms and begin cleaning up the casualties of Seal Team 6 and the full assault battalion that was apparently needed to lose the war.
  9. Wonder how in the hell they managed to spray water over ‘there.’
  10. Lay out my pajamas, right beside the shower.
  11. Secure the house because nobody wants to die in the shower.
  12. Separate boys and occupy them with whatever it takes to get through my shower.
  13. Threaten their existence over any loud noises, interaction amongst each other, flushing toilets or anything else that will detract from my shower time.
  14. Stand right beside shower, undress and jump in!
  15. Jump back out because I forgot to pee.
  16. Ahhh…finally time to enjoy the freezing cold water.
  17. Wonder if that sound was gunfire?? Wonder why everything sounds like gunfire when you are in the shower? Wonder if you family is being murdered and if you would be any good in a fight, naked?
  18. Turn water off and listen. No more gunfire.
  19. Resume shower.
  20. Fling yourself against the wall when your youngest moves the shower curtain to ask what you are doing.
  21. Ask him to do you a favor and go look out the window farthest from the shower for whatever reason you can dream up in that split second. Make it sound important. Last night, it was to check and see if the flag was still flying on our front porch, in case the army was doing flight maneuvers.
  22. Spend 2.5 minutes shampooing, conditioning, exfoliation, cleaning, shaving – all simultaneously.
  23. Turn shower off and listen for boys.
  24. Gently move curtain aside, reach out for a towel and retreat back into shower.
  25. Dry off and go ahead and clean shower since you are in there.
  26. Exchange towel for pajamas.
  27. Exit shower, fully dressed and attempt to put lotion on under your clothes.
  28. Go check on kids and pray for strong vitals.

shower

 

 

 

 

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3 thoughts on “As Easy As Herding Cats

  1. flibbertigibbit says:

    Hahaha! When mine was little, he snuck in the bathroom with socks on each hand and starting putting them in and out of the shower yelling, “Puppet show!” Those puppets were getting a ‘show’ alright! (Who pays for those puppet’s therapists, I want to know?)

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  2. April W. says:

    So, first, let me say you are the ONLY person I know who can turn a shower into a 28 step process and somehow I imagine this must be what rehab would be like. That being said I do know your boys and know why it’s a 28 step process because they are truly the most inventive little angels in the world. Lol! Seal Team 6!!! I love it!!! YOU should get up before said Hubby and take your shower first thing! That way you win for the day! I’m serious about this. Take a glass of wine in there with you. Sometimes when you can’t drink while soaking, you can do it while standing. I’ve done it on occasion, don’t judge me. Also, letting them see you naked may or not break them from EVER opening the curtain again. Just a suggestion, something to look into. Take into consideration long term effects, though. And, honestly, threaten them? Stop & think about that. You might want to re-hash step thirteen 😒 I love you & those Angels!

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