Crazier Than A Sh*t House Rat (Part 4)

Well here we are coming to our end of surviving pregnancy series. We have offered two peaceful lessons to help you and those around you, survive this condition and then an alternative, more aggressive lesson when the first two fail you. Remember that all wars have causalities. It’s perfectly natural.

Now, We Go Home.

Most difficult pregnancies end in some type of bed rest. If you followed Lesson #3 well, then you will be overwhelmed by your co-workers farewells and meaningless offerings to call them if needed. If you have not been ordered to bed rest by your doctor, then your employer will no doubt get creative and figure out a way to send you home until you are finished with this demonic stage. No worries about firing you at the moment, as that is all kinds of a lawsuit, since your medical condition has prevented you from acting normal and productive. 🙂

Anyhoo, now that you finally got your hard-earned peace, what will you do? Making hand prints in your toxemic legs can only entertain you for so long. You could always do nothing, but then this would just lead to cabin fever and more violence. You should at least have a plan, even if it is just a plan.

1. Make lists. You should make several lists of things that you will accomplish during this last phase of your condition. Even though you may not complete one thing, you will feel so much better taking this gigantic first step. Be sure to make a separate list for your honey to complete and emphasize with bold pens, highlighters and stickers just how important the items are to the livelihood of your little family. Now, you are not making this list with the assumption that the items will be completed. Let’s get real, here. You are simply putting something in black & white so that you can continually bring it up when you are feeling worse than him or otherwise hating on him for getting you into this mess.

2. Join Pinterest. This will farther your hate of the world in general and its important to continually feed your misery during this time. You will be thoroughly exposed to people that are more organized than you, more creative than you and probably prettier than you. After hours and days on end of ‘pinning’ things that you will never do, you will come to the conclusion that you are a failure. However, keep pinning, it seems to be the American way!

3. Milk It. You are probably still puking several times a day, you aren’t sleeping well at all, your anxiety over the unfinished to-do list is making you cranky and you are fat. If you don’t want to reach two feet for a pen to write your lists, you should yell at whomever is within range and tell them to bring it to you, especially if its your husband. This will give him a taste of how your life will be for the next 10 years or so. Ask for certain dinner plans and then feel free to change them periodically. This will also give your husband a taste of how your life will be for the next 10 years or so. If you don’t want to be alone at 2am when you get up to pee for the 10th time that night, then feel free to wake your husband up and ask him to watch tv with you or play a game. Better yet, engage him in a very, meaningful conversation about your feelings…or the weather….or whats on tv. Again, this will give him a taste of how your life will be for the next 10 years or so.

Don’t worry, the proverbial ‘they’ swear that you forget all of this when you hold your baby in your arms for the first time! Maybe everyone else will too! lol

So, tell me. What was your favorite lesson?

 

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