Crazier Than A Sh*t House Rat (Part III)

As we delve into another valuable lesson of pregnancy survival, let us recap.

Lesson #1: Go Deaf

Lesson #2: Go Dumb

Lesson #3: Go Ballistic

Finally, we get to my favorite lesson; one derived when the first two failed for me.

You know that ‘list’ you have of all of the idiots that need tagged? Or that a$$hole that you work with that you have been meaning to have a prayer meeting with? That crappy piece of office equipment that needs to filleted on the sidewalk at high noon? Or even that family member that needs to find a different reunion?  That’s right, ladies. It’s time to start cracking on that bucket list of items, because you have a built-in excuse to act anyway that you want. When the dust settles and after you have exorcised that little miracle you can apologize!….or act like you don’t remember anything.

lemons

Because pregnancies can offer few opportunities to laugh, you should take some time to watch Office Space for inspiration. If you do this right the first time, it should serve you well through all future pregnancies. The picture below is this poor fella that just keeps getting shafted over and over again at work. He consistently portrays his red stapler as his last straw before he goes postal.

Red Stapler

And I said, I don’t care if they lay me off either, because I told, I told Bill that if they move my desk one more time, then, then I’m, I’m quitting, I’m going to quit. And, and I told Don too, because they’ve moved my desk four times already this year, and I used to be over by the window, and I could see the squirrels, and they were married, but then, they switched from the Swingline to the Boston stapler, but I kept my Swingline stapler because it didn’t bind up as much, and I kept the staples for the Swingline stapler and it’s not okay because if they take my stapler then I’ll set the building on fire…

Another scene in this movie that will serve you and your new mental state is when the office coworkers get fed up with the copier machine and take it outside and bash it to smithereens. Come on…we have all wanted to do this and there is no better time to start on that never-do bucket list then when you are pregnant. People all ready think you are crazy and you pretty much hate all people.

1. Don’t Go Dumb! Let ‘er rip! When some idiot decides to say something you don’t want to hear, describe to them in detail just how dumb they are and include every single example in your memory.

2. Throw something. When at work, keep some blunt objects on your desk so that they are handy to smash against the nearest flat surface. This works especially well when you keep your door closed and your peers just hear the occasional BANG! After a particularly good fit behind closed doors, you should come out of your office as if nothing happened and wear a confused look when someone mentions the loud noises, cussing, etc.

3. Embrace Crazy. Walk around muttering to yourself and occasionally spit in public.

If some of these seem extreme to you and you can’t bring yourself to embrace this opportunity to its fullest, you could just have multiple instances where you just stop and stare into space while you day dream of doing them. As long as people think you are crazy and leave you alone, you are achieving the overall objective.

 

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One thought on “Crazier Than A Sh*t House Rat (Part III)

  1. I love this! All of this is so true. I used my bat-shit-crazy to the fullest when I was pregnant. I was rude when I wanted to be and threw fits when I wanted to and broke down and cried if I thought it would get me out of dishes. I acted like that because all of my pregnancies were HARD. I’m not saying I was always sick, but they were hard. I had pre-eclampsia with Logan, and was on bed rest for 3.5 months. Yay me! I had the g-word diabetes with Megan and Tucker and there is NOTHING FREAKING WORSE THAN DIETING while pregnant when all your body wants is a milky way and a Dr. Pepper!!!! And I’m sorry, Dr. Whoever, but it isn’t a damn bit of consolation to me that I can have all the watermelon I want to eat. Why? Because instead of getting up 7 times at night to piss I have to get up 10 times to piss, thank you. Isolation was my salvation most of the time, and probably why I’m not serving a prison sentence right this minute. 🙂

    Like

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